Relationsips: Throwing a Monkey Wrench in the Mechanics of Manipulation

Relationships: Throwing a Monkey Wrench in the Mechanics of Manipulation
© Ann Catherine Pawelczyk, C.Ht.

This is for all of you out there sharing your life (and love) with a manipulator, living with
constant psychological and emotional assaults and believing that “one day things will get
better”.

In case you haven’t heard, studies show that victims of relational aggression (including
manipulation) suffer the same long-term effects as victims of physical bullying. Trust is shaken
at its very core, often seemingly permanently damaged, and self esteem and self worth seem
to be at level zero. Worst of all, trust in your own perceptions over time erodes away to
nothing…

Here’s the shocker - no matter how terribly you are treated, you always end up questioning
yourself and often accept responsibility for what’s “gone wrong”. You may get to the point over
time of feeling and actually believing you “deserve” it.

Mechanics of Manipulation Checklist: Does your partner fill any of these shoes?

Denial –Refusal to admit or take responsibility for any wrongdoing, no matter how
obvious… leading you to question yourself.
Selective Inattention – The pretending nothing is wrong or worse – “plays dumb”
leading you again, to question yourself.
Rationalization – Making excuses and justifications for bad behaviors, no matter how
heinous…and what happens? You end up questioning yourself. Again.
Diversion – The classic change of subject, which gets you sidetracked and him/her off
the hook…again.
Lying – Most commonly in the form of telling “half the truth” or non-specific with details.
Covert Intimidation – Making veiled threats for the purpose of gaining power.
Guilt Tripping – We know what a “guilt trip” is and how it keeps the person on the
receiving end submissive, anxious, and full of self-doubt.
Shaming – Better yet, sarcasm and put downs that quickly diminish confidence and self-
worth. Personally, I think this element is often the most damaging to us on an inner level.
Playing the Victim – Better known as “Martyr Syndrome”…it’s never their fault.
The Servant – Acts under the facade of doing something noble (for someone else) for
personal gain.
Seduction – Not just limited to behaviors with sexual overtone. Seduction can simply be
overly positive words and actions that in some way get you to lower your defenses and
trust them once again (with ulterior motives, of course).
Blamers – Frequently blaming others in various subtle, hard to recognize ways to shift
sense of responsibility for some wrongdoing. Similar to “playing the victim” and “martyr
syndrome”, but more blatant and straightforward.
Minimizing – Downsizing the impact of actions and consequences of behavior. A classic
example of this is “Why are you making such a big deal out of _________?”

Now that you’v checked off at least a few things on the checklist, here’s how to move forward:
Evaluate how you treat yourself. We often allow people into our lives that treat us in the ways
we expect we should be treated. Stated simply, we pick partners and significant others that
reflect back to us our inner feelings and beliefs about ourselves. Negative self-talk and not
addressing your own needs may be sabotaging the relationships you draw to yourself.
Learning to love and care for you nurtures both self- esteem and self worth, which
automatically draws to us more positive, healthy relationships.

There is a way out, right now, from your situation. You deserve better. The first step is that
you must believe that no matter how much you would love to, you cannot change your partner’
s treatment of you. If he or she is unwilling to seek help or acknowledge what’s happening in
your relationship, you must move on. Sever all ties as you move on so that the relationship
does not become hostile in further ways. Honor yourself for refusing to allow being treated this
way any longer. Keep in mind; should you decide to stay, you are enabling this person to
continue the same harmful actions and behaviors, remaining an emotional cripple.

Once you take back the reigns of your own life, you can recover from your experience and
begin to get healthy balance back in your life.

Suggestions for you to get balance in your life:

Learn to love yourself.
Take a firm ownership of your feelings and emotions and really own them.
Value the wonderful being that you are, just as you are.
Know you deserve respect, compassion, and support in every relationship. No
exceptions.
Take steps to determine your previous patterns and mindsets and take positive steps
toward your wonderful new future to restructure in healthy ways.
Get the support of family, friends, and a professional counselor or therapist to get back
into balance in a supportive, encouraging environment.
Take time to make plans and nurture future hopes and dreams to ensure you live life to
the fullest.

            © All Rights Reserved. Reprints with permission.
     This article is published in Michigan's Body Mind Spirit
               Guide Magazine's September 2008 edition.
                             www.bodymindspiritguide.com