Parenting

Parenting By Proxy
© Ann Catherine Pawelczyk, C.Ht.

Proxy is defined by Merriam-Webster as the “authority or power to act for another”, which is
essentially what we do as parents. In the midst of today’s busy schedules and majority of two-
parent working households and single parenting, the task of best caring for and nurturing our
children can become overwhelming between work and financial concerns, cooking, cleaning,
laundry, after school practices, games, and activities.

Know the situation you find yourself in as a parent can be improved to lighten your sense of
pressure and create balance and harmony in your life for everyone you love.

Moving Away from Household Chaos to Participation, Balance and Harmony:
The first area to be addressed in transforming a household with children is time (and mess)
management. Planning ahead and getting kids involved in day-to-day activities required to
run a household will make life easier.
 Children as young as two can start the day of by making beds and can keep rooms neat by
picking up for as little as five minutes every morning or before bed;
 Have children sort laundry on laundry day, fold drawer items out of the dryer, and put their
own clothing in drawers;
 Have kids carry stain sticks to school for lunch spills. This will save you time pre--treating
stains and will teach them how to care for clothing. For grass and mud stains, have them pre--
treat and scrub when they get home;
 Have kids help prepare meals in advance that go into the fridge or freezer until needed.
Breakfast can even be cooked in advance and placed into baggies in the fridge and popped
into the microwave to save time in the morning;
 Have kids prepare and pack their own lunches. Keep one single cupboard for all (healthy)
lunch items, and when buying in bulk portion and place into baggies for quick grabbing. Pre-K
age children are able to do this and pre-planning helps limit sugar, caffeine, and high fat
intake;
 Make age appropriate chore and behavioral charts with rewards based on good effort,
using pictures for younger children who haven’t learned to read yet;
 Limit television, computer, and video games and instead get them involved in helping
around the house. You’ll be less stressed and kids will learn a sense of responsibility and feel
good about helping out instead of creating a “vegging” pattern that will stay with them into
adulthood;
 Have kids help you make the grocery list and meal plan in advance. Meal planning saves
money, cuts food-waste, and enables better-planned, healthier meals. This is a practice you
will pass on to your children they can use;
 Have kids help dust, vacuum, and empty trash. For smaller children, there are many
lightweight vacuums on the market, and dusting can be done without chemicals;
 Have kids help care for pets with food, water, walking, and letting out larger animals like
dogs;
All of these tasks can be done by even very small children while you are doing something else
needed to run the household, and all can be adjusted to age appropriate levels of
responsibility.

Moving Away from Difficult Behaviors to Love and Peace:
A second area that needs attention in many households is behavior. You may find yourself
with a child as young as two seeming very defiant and uncooperative. There are many ways
to deal with non-compliant kids, but the best one is positive reinforcement.
 Discipline is not best managed with spanking. Parents only spank when angry and in turn
teaches children to intimidate and hit when they want the upper hand. Ultimately, unless in
extreme circumstances, spanking usually creates future sneaky behavior and does nothing to
dissipate problem behavior;
 Use the honesty, responsibility, and reward system. When your child is non-compliant,
instead of yelling or punishing, talk to them first with the intention of truth, explanation, and
love. A quick hug can diffuse anger in less than 30 seconds and clear the way for respectful
dialogue. I have used this technique as a teacher, hypnotherapist, and mom of two, and it
works with 99.9% of extremely stubborn, non-compliant kids to turn behavior around before it
escalates;
 Use time-outs and make them sit quietly without moving. One minute for every year of age,
adding time as needed for extreme behavior. If the child won’t accept the time out, you may
have to sit firmly with them in the designated area the first few times to create a no-nonsense
meaning behind the time out. Older kids think time outs are ridiculous and are bored out of
their minds, but it works - as does making them do manual labor (like scrubbing floors with a
brush or yard work while their friends are playing) and extra chores, which is equally effective;
 Sometimes parents need time outs – don’t be afraid to tell your child(ren) that mom or dad
needs a time out because you are feeling _____________ (frustrated, angry, hurt, etc.). If
children see parents giving themselves a time out instead of yelling and generally freaking
out, it creates an understanding and sense of equality while teaching children how to identify
feelings and sort them out before reacting negatively;
 Structure, boundaries, and firm rules are extremely important in creating balance and
harmony. You must be consistent with all of these, and generally speaking, it takes a week or
less of consistency to see lasting change. Visualize a positive outcome and squelch
pessimistic thinking as it arises;
 Spend designated times with your children in positive light. Remember, whatever you do,
your children learn from, and spending quality time together leaves a lasting mark and is
priceless;
 Be involved in what your kids are doing. Know their friends, build a trust with your child so
he or she feels comfortable about confiding in you. Children are angry and hateful with
parents sometimes when upsetting things are happening socially and they feel they can’t talk
to you about it. Staying involved, building trust, and discussion can alleviate many angry kids’
feelings of frustration and isolation. Even the angriest kid still secretly wants love and
understanding. Look at the child, not the behavior;
 Don’t be afraid to seek help of a counselor if you feel unable to best help your child. A
counselor is not in business to judge you and will assist you and your child(ren) in creating a
workable plan that increases happiness and peace for everyone in your family.

Nurturing Your Self and Your Relationship(s):
 Take time out for you. You have to relax and recharge to be at your best and when you’re
not at your best, you don’t benefit anyone;
 Use affirmations and positive visualizations to expedite bringing and maintaining positive
influences in your life (I promise this really works);
 Make sleep a priority. Less than seven hours per night increases perceived daily stress,
and affects health and weight;
 Make time for your intimate relationships when kids are staying over someone’s house, or
plan special outings at least once a month in advance so you can get a sitter;
 If you are resentful of your partner and feeling overwhelmed with parenting and household
duties, ask yourself if you’ve been open to receiving help. Things may not always be done
your way when you share the responsibility, but keep in mind the point is that others care
enough to help out in his or her own way. Sometimes we have to lower our expectations in
order to be at peace;
 If you know what you don’t want, make a clear goal of exactly what you do want. This is
where the affirmations and visualization come in very handy;
 Know that negative thinking only draws more of the negative into your life. Reframe your
thinking by counteracting negative thoughts immediately with positive ones;
 Use self-hypnosis or meditation to improve any area of your life. If you would like to begin
by releasing and better managing future stress, I have a free stress release and management
hypnosis audio you can listen to online - just email anncatherine@brightenyourlight.com for
yours.

Don’t be discouraged or feel stuck in your current situation. One single step toward better
managing your life and the lives of those around you sends the Universe the signal that you
are ready to make positive changes. Before you know it, things will begin to fall into place with
the positive efforts you’ve put into action. It takes only 21 days to form a pattern, habit, etc.
(good or bad), and only 7 days to reinforce it. In many cases, the turnaround time for change
is much less.

Take things one day at a time, and don’t try to do everything at once. Make a realistic
permanent plan you can easily maintain, and allow yourself to feel a sense of peace and
excitement to welcome the positive transformations you are bringing into your life!

Published in Michigan's Body Mind Spirit Guide Magazine, By Region Healing Network, and
Self Growth.com.

© All Rights Reserved. Reprints with permission.